Blue Sea, Red Blood, Purple Water - 01/27/11

Let me teach you to drown
It’s as simple as screaming aloud
Hold your head where the sun deflects
In the grave of the defects
The water welcomes your kisses
The cold turns you to Mrs. from Misses
The bubbles of sadness escape
As you give your life to the lake

The liquids in your brain
They’re just things to shake
It’s as easy as thinking
That luscious sinking
Torture compared to what’s next
Close your eyes, relax you neck
Quell your reflexes
They think they know what’s best
But they power is in you
So hold your breath
Until your pretty death

A Cat and a Vile of Poison - 01/12/11

The snow drifts
And settles
And melts.

All that wishing
And thinking
And hoping
And praying
And crossing my fingers
In more ways that I thought possible
Pulling
Ripping
Slipping
And then gripping the edge

That was it
That night
Months ago now
Long gone
A moth in a flame
Dead
But it still sticks
With me
Like the dead roses pinned to my wall
From my heart-shaped box
Pluck a spike from my heart.

It used to be filled
With memories,
Hopes, fears, dreams
Lies, pride, schemes
It used to be open
You used to know
But Schrödinger will show
Now that it’s closed
You can’t know

A tiny, tiny gesture
And the emotions,
The openness,
The sharing,
The magic of us,
Of the intimacy,
Of being close mentally,
Emotionally,
Every way,
Was lost to a tiny gesture
Surly not even meant
But preformed
And the box was closed

Dead and alive

Is This All I Have? - 01/12/11

Aching
Paining
Complaining
To the wrong person
Best friend
Explosions
Confessions
Better left
Unmentioned
Detained
By a brain
Deprived
Of what I need
To survive
Suicidal not eating
Or sleeping
Repeating
Same pattern
Of disaster
In every chapter
I’m sorry
Don’t worry
It’ll all be
Over soon
So rest easy
My darling
It’ll all be
Over soon

Back Down Again - 01/12/11

The memories
Of blood and sadness
Potent like beer-stained breath
Come back
Crawling with malice
A false hint of love in their black eyes
Hoping - knowing - they will win me back

Hence I do fall
From sunlight to shadow
With a simple push
A little doubt
A dash of misery
Bake at 1500 degrees
For perfect desfunctionality

Hopes that were built up with each day
The ones that passed merrily
Were then dashed so much lower
Stabbing shards in my chest
Boil blood in my veins
Teeth sinking into something
Anything
Ripping
Slashing
Violent and vindictive
Not thinking
Not noticing

Falling

The only thing I can’t do
Is stop breathing
Though not for lack of trying
I just fail at dying
Slow on expiring
Low on self admiration
Contaminated by annihilation
Far below expectation

So the current consensus
Is that I’m insane
Not that they know the half
Of my brain
Of the motors oiled with blood
Of nightmares laced with lust
Of hopes stroked like flames
Of beauty as painful as shame

Your Voice - 01/12/11

They say
“Girl, open your mouth
Open your world
Open your words
Don’t shut it out”

Skills and stills
Pictures in my mind
Times New Roman
Running behind my eyes
Pulling and flowing
Stopping and going
Speeding and slowing
Letting go like glue
Flying like fantasies
Escaping reality
Seeing what I want to see
In the neon blue
Of perpetual insanity
It all blends
Quite neatly
Completely
Showing and going
With the flow
Until you know
Then break it
No more need to fake it
You’ve got it
The power
This hour
Rise up
Your greatest weapon
No question
Your attention
To word choice
It’s your voice
Now use it
Before you lose it

Honey, So Sweet - 01/09/11

They voted and they said
that I was the
sweetest
person on our team.
They said that I was the
most reliable,
so kind,
so friendly,
just a perfect
angel.
When I rejected their claim,
I became
humble,
sincere,
adorable,
sweet
sweet
sweet!

But the thing about sweets
is that if you eat
and eat
and eat them
you get sick.

And you die.

Because underneath the sweetness
is poison.  And it isn’t even hidden
very well,
look at the label
and you can tell
how much it really only wants
to sink pink nails
into your skin
for misjudging it,
pressuring it
to live up to your expectation.
Every time you say
“So sweet”
it’s an annihilation
of any true sweetness
that may have survived
and now it’s buried alive
because death is too good for it,
the failure,
and its dark thoughts
of pushing people who text and walk
down stairs,
of punching people whose voices annoy me
in the face;
of riding through a tunnel
with my friends,
my beloved,
and the most encouraging teacher
I’ve ever had

of riding through that tunnel,
holding my breath,
and wishing
for death.

And two hours later,
curled under soft layers of caramel bedding,
eyes bleeding salt,
body sweating shivers,
thoughts SCREAMING at me:

“Sweet?  No!
Kind?  No!
Adorable?  No!”

Those who ignore the morals of fables
and the kicks under tables
could see the dark thoughts
I’m capable of thinking
and think often
always
so much
too much
You hit me I will knock you to the ground.
Such is my
anger
that my teeth sink
into my skin
so that I don’t snap and hurt something
beautiful,
like the soft face of the TV screen
or the cups hanging form the ceiling
or my kin
or my friends
or anything that matters to me.

And, yes, I see what that means:
that I don’t matter to me,
that I don’t care,
that I don’t give a damn,
that I can hold my breath
and wish for my death,
that I can see a car crash
and understand that pain,
want it,
because I deserve it.

They say I’m sweet.
And I try to be:
I hold my tongue,
I bite my skin,
I listen and listen,
and don’t understand a thing.
But I smile.
I smile through pain,
through fear,
through anger enough to want to hurt another.
I smile.

They say I’m sweet
and I try to be
but I can’t
I can’t
I can’t be.
I don’t know if I even should be,
if I want to be.

All I know is they tell me I’m sweet.
And that makes me feel
like I have to be.

And that is killing me.