Adiabatic - 10/20/13

Not a brush of skin,
not a hint of sin,
get nothing out,
put nothing in,
better begin
to retreat,
keep your seat:
there hasn't
been any
transfer of heat,
not the slightest
insight
to your condition,
no disturbance
to your momentum
or position.
Suppose it was
just a rehearsal,
but it still
ended up
irreversible.

There Have Been Times - 10/19/13

You should know
that there have been times
in my life
where I didn't want to
run and hide
when confronted with conflict,
when I haven't licked back tears
and kick back fears
to be calm and collect.
There have been times
when I have been loyal
but not to a fault,
when I have been polite
but not to a fault,
when I have been quiet
but not to a fault.
There have been times
when I have scream.
It's true,
I can be loud, too.
And I can laugh,
really laugh,
not
whatever way you described it,
"held back."
There have been times
when I couldn't contain my smile
and when I wouldn't
hide my glares.
There have been times
when I have been unapologetic.

I know there have.
I just can't remember when.

Digital Realism and Unfinished Business - 10/19/13

Spiders
and the
BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH
have a special place
in the part of my mind
that obsesses,
contrives conspiracy theories
and researches
how Facebook orders my chat list.

So I should stop drinking
quad-shot mochas
and staring at flickering screens
and checking my phone.
But I should also stop riding
bikes without brakes
and going for walks at night
and avoiding my friends.
And should stop watching stories
and start writing them
but I want to know your story.
I want to hear your song.
I want to watch her and her soul mate
make eyes at each other
and smile
and reminisce.
Give me the answers
but don't make me
ask the questions.

I won't open that chat bubble
no matter how long
that green light is on.
I promise.
I'm trying.

Even I - 10/14/13

Even I can't fall in love with the moon in the sky,
even if I try,
not matter how I try.
I can't pull the stars out every night,
not with all my might,
no, not with all my might.
I can't turn a scream into a lullaby,
that would make you sigh,
that would make you cry.
I've got nothing up my sleeve,
nothing up my sleeve,
anymore.
I've got no more parables
to keep you warm,
to keep me warm.
Even I can't fall in love with the moon in the sky,
even if I try,
even when I try,
no matter how I try.

4am - 10/14/13

Bridges I've never crossed,
streets I've never passed,
people I've never spoken to
or will never get the chance to,
movies I've never seen,
poems I never wrote,
dreams I can't remember,

and nightmares that won't
leave me alone.

Sulfur - 10/14/13

The lilac sky
around midnight
tricks me into thinking
it's a fair time of day
to run away,
so when the lime lightning strikes,
I'm out of sight,
out of mind,
out of the line of fire.

Yes, I'll be far enough away
to taste the sulfur rain
on Venus.

Ordinary Ghost - 09/15/13

Hey, little wisp of smoke,
Hey, little spirit,
Hey, little transcendental passerby
Won't you tell me why
you're in this creaking house, why
you're in this gloomy room?
Why, little ghoul, oh why?
Shouldn't you be haunting
all the small things?
Shouldn't you be with
the Pumpkin King?
Shouldn't you, little spirit?
Shouldn't you, little spirit?
Oh, shouldn't you buzz,
little fly?

But you're an ordinary ghost
in this damn dark world
and you've been left behind
by all the vampires
who don't care if you're alright

But you're a quiet, little ghoul
in this deafening world
who's nothing beside
all the banshees
shrieking tonight

They're gonna tell you that
"Good little ghosts
don't go no where,
cuz you're only as loud
and the screams you snare."

Who are you haunting tonight?
I say,
who are you haunting tonight?
Little ghoul,
who is on your mind?
Who do you wish
wasn't afraid of the night?

They're gonna tell you that
"Good little ghosts
don't go no where,
cuz you're only as loud
and the screams you snare.
Good little girls
had better beware
of the darkness
lurking everywhere."
And if you try to ask
when the darkness persists,
those monsters will try
to feed you some bullshit
about how shadows are caused
by your light,
when you're the only thing
even close
to right.

But you're an ordinary ghost
in this damn dark world
and you've been left behind
by all the vampires
who don't care if you're alright

But you're a quiet, little ghoul
in this deafening world
who's nothing beside
all the banshees
shrieking tonight

Oh, little ghoul,
I promise I care
Oh, little ghoul,
I know it's tough out there
And, baby, I swear
You are scary
Oh, who is haunting you tonight?

Meditations on Letting Go - 09/09/13

I:
But if you ask the same of me,
I'd say,
"Never have been,
never will be,
but learning to live
with the consequences
and find stability."
So, by pale yellow light
reflected off bronze
that I can't believe
doesn't move when I look away,
I guess I meditate
with aid of orange juice
God never returned
slipping through my fingers
and trapped lyrics
dripping from my lips.
Sprinkler systems sputter
into white noise
intermittently broken by
passing feet and chatter
and crickets and humming
and an occasional direct address,
drawing my thoughts away
from the cobweb down
Jesus' bronze back
and to an even more
unfamiliar face.
Because:
"No, it's fine,"
and
"Sure, I've got time,"
but
"Just let me check up
on one thing,"
to confirm my bias
and push my mind
to draw reaching palms
from grooves in
rusticated stone.

Still, I am sure
that if I glance away
Jesus will reach to me
and explain,
"God left to get some orange juice,
but that was years ago.
It's time to grow up
and buy your own,"
as if it's a lesson
that I don't know.


II:
I wonder if anyone goes home
to write a poem
about meeting a
strange girl
meditating
on a statue
way too late
at night.


III:
Wine glass full of
soon forgotten
memories and
streetlights raining
parametric down
conversion from
birefringent crystals
in your mind,
fast and slow
axes indistinguishable.

I No Longer Know What I'm Feeling Without The Music Playing - 09/01/13

There's no better remedy
For anything
Than a melody
That breaks you even more
Than you've already been
There's not better cure
For all that ails you
Than what ails you
In perfect harmony
On repeat again

This is it, I'm giving up
So leave me with the music up
Don't worry, I'm fantastic
Just as long as I can blast it
Louder than my brain can think
And louder than my soul can dream
And louder than my heart can scream
For anyone or anything
To scream these lyrics with

At least I got some new bands
With this heart ache
To juxtapose all the smiles
That I fake
At least I got an anthem
To shout out
As the sky crumbles
And the stars all
Fall down

This beat's the catalyst
For my happiness
This song's how
I'm going to be an optimist
About it
I've got a playlist
For everything that I'm not feeling
When the drum line's why
There's not point in breathing
The bass is why
I'm through grieving
And the chorus
Is a therapeutic chain of events

At least I got some new bands
With this heart ache
To juxtapose all the smiles
That I fake
At least I got an anthem
To shout out
As the sky crumbles
And the stars all
Fall down

It's all burning away - 08/31/13

and although we think of it

as a tragedy,

as death and destruction,

associated with pain,

endings, loss,

natural forces beyond our control

fire

is an indication of

life.

Hannah

The best people
are the ones with whom
you may sit in silence
and work
without questions,
gossip, or forced
conversation.

Midday Bus on Thursday

large, oblong rain drops

fell on the cherry blossoms,

and pulled the whole flower

down

straight and slow,

through cold, late April air

to the leather seat

of a red-bodied motorcycle

outside an organic coffee shop.

Maybe Death will stop for me

Maybe Death will stop for me and the two of us will marry.
I'm sure he has a poet's soul from all the grief he carries.
With the wisdom from his age, he must be fair at math.
Together, we could spend our days with Neruda and calculus.
Death will chase me, court me, follow where I roam,
until I concede at last and follow Death home.
With razor blades and sleeping pills will he kiss me goodnight
and so shall we fall asleep and never again see light.

Doors and Stairways

My life has been all
doors and stairways
today. There have been the
wheezing doors of buses,
leading to the short, steep stairs
into the belly of the machine.
Doors in and out of classrooms,
stairs up and down floors.
Another bus.
In one building and out the next.

And then they turned on me,
doors and stairways,
twisting into a maze,
trying to trap me like
a fly in a web.

One door says "stairs,"
so I twist down them
and find a floor too late
the plaque reads:
"Roof Access
No B1 Access"
So I twist up them.

Second door says "stairs,"
so I peak inside
and check the plaque
before venturing down.
The plaque reads:
"No Roof Access
B1 Access"
so I twist down them.

Room numbers count up,
count down.
Jump to thirty,
jump to eight,
jump to forty.
70, 71, 79.
But a lime green post-it
on the door reads:
"Room 161
Phy 212 only."
79, 71, 70.
Jump to forty,
jump to eight,
jump to thirty.

wait for the elevator?
No, my life is all
doors and stairways
today. I twist up,
I don't ride.
Doors and stairways.

And skybridges
back to whichever land
isn't a maze.

She Bruises Easily But Heals Quickly - 08/19/13

Before you worry
that she's gonna get hurt
remember:
she's been hurt before.
And, every time,
she picks herself up,
dusts herself off,
and climbs the same damn tree.
She believes that,
rather than finding another tree
that she can scale effortlessly,
she ought to get better
with what she's got
because she's been conditioned
to believe
that happiness doesn't come easily,
that's it's something to be fought for,
something to be earned,
something to be practiced,
something to be learned.
So before you rush in
to bandage her knees,
remember:
she may bruise easily,
but she heals quickly
and she's just going
to get back in that tree.