Summed Up in a Held Breath - 02/06/11

Do you know what “everything” means?
Do you understand “love”?
Do you know what “my whole world”
Is comprised of?

Little flashes of your smile,
Between sarcastic remarks
On my personal habits,
My sleep schedule,
My on and off anorexia,
My insanity.
That little eye roll.
Circular hand motions.
“Breathe” as a command,
Not a verb,
Not a word,
But my whole world
Summed up in a held breath
A skipped heart beat.
A gentle hug.
A quiet kiss.
Refusing to let me out of your arms.
Refusing to let my lips leave yours.
Jaws firm against each other.
Magnificence
In a scent
Captivating
Intoxicating
Stimulating.
Rocked in a sound wave
A perfect crest and trough
To sooth my pulsating mind.
Confidence flooding from it,
Intelligence raining from it.

Love,
To sum it up in a single breath,
Love and love and life and love and you.

And what more is there?
What more is there but sleeplessness?
What more is there but tears?
What more is there but holding
Clinging
Clawing into any sign of love there is
And hoping it doesn’t shake you free.
What more is there but wrapping
Coiling into life
Winding around it,
Devouring it,
And yourself
And the sun
And the moon
And the stars?
What more is there but hoping?
Hoping for love?
Hoping for life?
Hoping for understanding?
Hoping that today will not be the day you die?
Or that someone you know does?
Hoping that “sorry” will stop coming up
Because there is already so much
To be sorry for
And so much of it is worse
Than what you’re apologizing for?

Hoping for more hope.


A slight breath.
A sigh.
Silence.
Walking next to you,
Trying to match your pace,
Your strong legs.
Hoping the stars will fall and we will see beauty.

The Best - 02/06/11

Starlight.
Brilliant bands of hope
Radiating from what might be already dead stars
And yet still shining
Glowing
Illuminating the nights
On which we throw tear ridden eyes to the heavens
For a sign

“Do I continue?”
“Am I good enough?”
“What’s the point?”



I want to be the best.
The very best.
I don’t care what at.

School is out of the question.
Years of striving for a
4.0
Brought down
Like a house of cards.

I’m not the best friend.
I’m a liar.
Sorry to disappoint,
But I’m not actually
“fine.”

I thought I could be the best
Girlfriend.
Loving, tender, helpful, horny.
What more could a guy want?
But I’m needy.
And clingy.
And not the best.

And then
One tournament
I got a first place.
True, it was in a room of novices.
True, I couldn’t beat anyone with experience.
True, I wasn’t the best of the best.

But I was the best.

That thought flooded my mind
And the tears stopped,
Mid-roll.

But I was the best.

The starlight lit up on the cloudy night
Curled up next to me
Whispered with the delicacy of a lover

But I was the best.

The starlight held me there with it,
One of its own,
Its kin,
Alike to it,
Part of it,
Accepted,
Welcomed,
Loved.

 But starlight disappears behind the clouds,
Behind eyelids,
Behind quick words.

Starlight fades to hurt,
To pain,
To sadness,
To emptiness with her neck craned to the sky,
Waiting for the stars to return

Blue Sea, Red Blood, Purple Water - 01/27/11

Let me teach you to drown
It’s as simple as screaming aloud
Hold your head where the sun deflects
In the grave of the defects
The water welcomes your kisses
The cold turns you to Mrs. from Misses
The bubbles of sadness escape
As you give your life to the lake

The liquids in your brain
They’re just things to shake
It’s as easy as thinking
That luscious sinking
Torture compared to what’s next
Close your eyes, relax you neck
Quell your reflexes
They think they know what’s best
But they power is in you
So hold your breath
Until your pretty death

A Cat and a Vile of Poison - 01/12/11

The snow drifts
And settles
And melts.

All that wishing
And thinking
And hoping
And praying
And crossing my fingers
In more ways that I thought possible
Pulling
Ripping
Slipping
And then gripping the edge

That was it
That night
Months ago now
Long gone
A moth in a flame
Dead
But it still sticks
With me
Like the dead roses pinned to my wall
From my heart-shaped box
Pluck a spike from my heart.

It used to be filled
With memories,
Hopes, fears, dreams
Lies, pride, schemes
It used to be open
You used to know
But Schrödinger will show
Now that it’s closed
You can’t know

A tiny, tiny gesture
And the emotions,
The openness,
The sharing,
The magic of us,
Of the intimacy,
Of being close mentally,
Emotionally,
Every way,
Was lost to a tiny gesture
Surly not even meant
But preformed
And the box was closed

Dead and alive

Is This All I Have? - 01/12/11

Aching
Paining
Complaining
To the wrong person
Best friend
Explosions
Confessions
Better left
Unmentioned
Detained
By a brain
Deprived
Of what I need
To survive
Suicidal not eating
Or sleeping
Repeating
Same pattern
Of disaster
In every chapter
I’m sorry
Don’t worry
It’ll all be
Over soon
So rest easy
My darling
It’ll all be
Over soon

Back Down Again - 01/12/11

The memories
Of blood and sadness
Potent like beer-stained breath
Come back
Crawling with malice
A false hint of love in their black eyes
Hoping - knowing - they will win me back

Hence I do fall
From sunlight to shadow
With a simple push
A little doubt
A dash of misery
Bake at 1500 degrees
For perfect desfunctionality

Hopes that were built up with each day
The ones that passed merrily
Were then dashed so much lower
Stabbing shards in my chest
Boil blood in my veins
Teeth sinking into something
Anything
Ripping
Slashing
Violent and vindictive
Not thinking
Not noticing

Falling

The only thing I can’t do
Is stop breathing
Though not for lack of trying
I just fail at dying
Slow on expiring
Low on self admiration
Contaminated by annihilation
Far below expectation

So the current consensus
Is that I’m insane
Not that they know the half
Of my brain
Of the motors oiled with blood
Of nightmares laced with lust
Of hopes stroked like flames
Of beauty as painful as shame

Your Voice - 01/12/11

They say
“Girl, open your mouth
Open your world
Open your words
Don’t shut it out”

Skills and stills
Pictures in my mind
Times New Roman
Running behind my eyes
Pulling and flowing
Stopping and going
Speeding and slowing
Letting go like glue
Flying like fantasies
Escaping reality
Seeing what I want to see
In the neon blue
Of perpetual insanity
It all blends
Quite neatly
Completely
Showing and going
With the flow
Until you know
Then break it
No more need to fake it
You’ve got it
The power
This hour
Rise up
Your greatest weapon
No question
Your attention
To word choice
It’s your voice
Now use it
Before you lose it

Honey, So Sweet - 01/09/11

They voted and they said
that I was the
sweetest
person on our team.
They said that I was the
most reliable,
so kind,
so friendly,
just a perfect
angel.
When I rejected their claim,
I became
humble,
sincere,
adorable,
sweet
sweet
sweet!

But the thing about sweets
is that if you eat
and eat
and eat them
you get sick.

And you die.

Because underneath the sweetness
is poison.  And it isn’t even hidden
very well,
look at the label
and you can tell
how much it really only wants
to sink pink nails
into your skin
for misjudging it,
pressuring it
to live up to your expectation.
Every time you say
“So sweet”
it’s an annihilation
of any true sweetness
that may have survived
and now it’s buried alive
because death is too good for it,
the failure,
and its dark thoughts
of pushing people who text and walk
down stairs,
of punching people whose voices annoy me
in the face;
of riding through a tunnel
with my friends,
my beloved,
and the most encouraging teacher
I’ve ever had

of riding through that tunnel,
holding my breath,
and wishing
for death.

And two hours later,
curled under soft layers of caramel bedding,
eyes bleeding salt,
body sweating shivers,
thoughts SCREAMING at me:

“Sweet?  No!
Kind?  No!
Adorable?  No!”

Those who ignore the morals of fables
and the kicks under tables
could see the dark thoughts
I’m capable of thinking
and think often
always
so much
too much
You hit me I will knock you to the ground.
Such is my
anger
that my teeth sink
into my skin
so that I don’t snap and hurt something
beautiful,
like the soft face of the TV screen
or the cups hanging form the ceiling
or my kin
or my friends
or anything that matters to me.

And, yes, I see what that means:
that I don’t matter to me,
that I don’t care,
that I don’t give a damn,
that I can hold my breath
and wish for my death,
that I can see a car crash
and understand that pain,
want it,
because I deserve it.

They say I’m sweet.
And I try to be:
I hold my tongue,
I bite my skin,
I listen and listen,
and don’t understand a thing.
But I smile.
I smile through pain,
through fear,
through anger enough to want to hurt another.
I smile.

They say I’m sweet
and I try to be
but I can’t
I can’t
I can’t be.
I don’t know if I even should be,
if I want to be.

All I know is they tell me I’m sweet.
And that makes me feel
like I have to be.

And that is killing me.

my mind - 11/21/10

Welcome, dear, to a wonderland
It's a mind that's left this land
But it isn't bright as Alice's was
It's dark and bloody and covered in mud
So put on some boots if you want to explore
But I warn you, dear, it's a dangerous chore
If you find something that you can't ignore
Better leave before you find anything more
This world will ruin your wishful thinking
So if you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen
Depression is here, insanity present
The darkness of mistakes is grinning so pleasant
These are your roommates, they're so much fun
That most sarcastic bunch of anyone
So enjoy your stay, dear, you're here 'til you leave
But the memories stuck and are yours to deceive

Black Light - 11/21/10

If you need me,
I’ll be in space
Come and find me
Take me someplace
Bright

Rain casts light
In the night
As we walk
And we talk
The streetlights
Illuminate
My heart
So bright

High On Sighs - 11/20/10

There’s blood on my brain
Mixed in with the rain
Of tears that came
So many years ago
But won’t anymore
So paranoid
Of everything
An angel’s broken wings
From a man’s cruelty
And my inability
To do anything
To save her
To save her
So paranoid
Of leaving
Being left
Grieving
For what was

High on energy drinks
High on the dark things I think
High on sighs
High on lies
High on believing
High on being

So we’re back to the blood
So we’re back to the love
So I’m running from
Everything I’ve done
Extra credit to cry
Not for me
Late night daydreams
Sleepless schemes
Midnight coffee
Lunch time insanity

High on energy drinks
High on the dark things I think
High on sighs
High on lies
High on believing
High on being

Bad Magic - 11/20/10

Falling back to bad habits
Falling back to dark times
We all know where this rhyme
Is going

Black cherry energy drinks
Chocolate chip cookie
Perpetual insanity
Bloody instability

Run, run, run, run,
Run away
Cuz we can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t,
Cannot stay
My mind’s going
My heart’s blowing
So don’t go away
Let’s dance to rap beats we hate
Pretend there’s no need to escape
That we ran for fun
Cuz we’re that madly in love

Teach me to see
Love the dependability
Thinking perpetually
About you and me

Lines and verses
On my legs
Telling stories
About good and bad days

Learning things
That I could never see
Seeing things
That I just can’t believe

Run, run, run, run,
Run away
Cuz we can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t,
Cannot stay
My mind’s going
My heart’s blowing
So don’t go away
Let’s dance to rap beats we hate
Pretend there’s no need to escape
That we ran for fun
Cuz we’re that madly in love

Falling back to somewhere
Falling back to sometime
Don’t you know where this rhyme
Is heading?

Easier and easier
Don’t look back
Don’t believe
In anything
That you can see

Run, run, run, run,
Run away
Cuz we can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t,
Cannot stay
My mind’s going
My heart’s blowing
So don’t go away
Let’s dance to rap beats we hate
Pretend there’s no need to escape
That we ran for fun
Cuz we’re that madly in love

It is Better to Forget - 11/14/10

I want to write everything
Every word
In the right combination
With the right spacing
And separation
So that my words form an arrow
To hit right through
The heart of whoever did this.

Some world we live in
Where it is better to forget
Then to know
Because the things we know
Are dark
Are scary
Are scarred.

What a world we live in
Where we step out of our homes
And fear.
Where we step into our homes
And fear.
Where suicide is an escape
And murder combats murder,
Where accidents and insanity
Weight the dice of justice
And Justice herself sees all
But does nothing.

What a world we live in
Where we are told to love our neighbors
And then to kill them
If they are not what we think they should be.
Where those preaching the sanctity of marriage
Are those who defile it
With the fifty percent divorce rate.
Where the strong leaders of our world
Are slaves
To their own desires.

What a world we live in
Where we spend more money
On weapons to destroy now
Than on knowledge
To secure a future.
Where we fight over oil
Rather than dying children.

Do you not see this world?
Do you not smell the death,
Hear the sirens,
Taste the blood,
Feel the hate?
It is everywhere.

I want to write
A poem for each problem
The likes of which
Will change the hearts
Of every being who reads it.
I want to align letters
And spaces
Just so
And create a heart-wrenching art
That will make a difference.
But I am no more than any before.
They have failed,
So shall I.

A persistent seed of thought
Has been growing in my mind,
That fire will burn everything,
Even fire.
That in the time we waste
Finding a perfectly
Peaceful solution,
More will die than if we end it now.

What a world we live in
Where the powerful don’t care
And the weak want to do good.

For young girls and old men,
For teenage boys and young mothers,
For the media whores
And the political bores,
For the sluts and the junkies,
For the honest criminals,
For the deceitful juries,
For the teen suicides,
For gay pride,
For homophobic bastards
And generic Prozac perfection,
For broken homes and broken hearts,
For lovers and rapists,
For mothers and murderers,
For children and soldiers
And for child soldiers,
For cancer patients in Hawaii
And young girls with heart failure,
For the bipolar best friend,
The schizophrenic college student,
The depressed genius,
For dealers and doctors
And for pharmaceutical representatives,
For bombers and beauty queens,
For veterans and their children,
For those who didn’t come back,
For those who aren’t going to,
For musicians who sell out
And those who can’t continue to play,
For writers of fiction
And for readers who believe every word,
For boyfriends and girlfriends,
For best friends and enemies,
For fighters,
For workers,
For strangers,
For the bums and the rich,
For shamans and spirits,
For the ghosts and the shy,
For myself
And for you,
Whoever you are:

I do not have the words to change.
But I have these words.
And, now,
So do you.

Sweet and Sour Lullaby - 11/14/10

I’ve got
One song
For the way I’m always feeling
Hollow and kneeling
Overcome, but dealing

It’s a sweet and sour lullaby
The kind that makes me cry
The kind that makes me smile wide
The kind that make me hurt inside

Tried and true
This is what it comes to
This one soul
That it feels like I stole

With a voice so light
For words so dark
That strike a spark
In any heart
That listens

If it’s destruction
Your reluctance
Is seeking this evening
Then you’re in luck
Here, it comes easy

Pleased to Meet You - 11/07/10

Hello, Ms. Temptation
I’ve heard your contemplation
Of universal equations
And your lack of motivation
So darling, meet Mr. Devastation
Looking for some great fornication
You two would be such a sensation

Can you feel my bones?
They think they’re all alone
And they think they hear the stars
Screaming, “Girl, you’re going far!”
But I don’t hear anything
Beyond my own muffled screams
From the ripping seams
Of my heart strings

I’ll let the sad songs cry for me
I’ll let the monsters kill for me
I’ll let the movies live for me
But I’m won’t let a thing save me

Let me lay it on the level
I am so pleased to meet you, Devil
Did you get my message?
Won’t you rescue me from Heaven?
Ms. Temptation took me whole
So I’m willing to sell you my soul
It’s no longer such a toll
Just get me out of this perfect role

After Mr. Devastation’s tricking
I find I’m lacking the conviction
To change the path I’m tipping
From his terrible predication
It’s a sticky situation
But it’s killing Miss Perfection
So I guess I’m in the right direction

Can you feel my bones?
They think they’re all alone
And they think they hear the stars
Screaming, “Girl, you’re going far!”
But I don’t hear anything
Beyond my own muffled screams
From the ripping seams
Of my heart strings

I can come so high, just fall so low
On a winning streak, up to a deathly blow
And so the story goes, as everybody knows
There’s no room for girls walking on tiptoes

Old Mr. Sleep is overrated
And almost close to jaded
Compared to the my amazing
Mr. Copulation
Keep me up all night
With your own source of light
Insomnia is quite alright

Even when sore and tired
Almost expired
From days and days
Of deprivation and haze
I’d still marry Ms. Temptation
To the terrible Mr. Devastation

You see, Newton got it all wrong
His equations don't work beyond
His own realm of thought
And I can see it won’t be long
Until out new math is proven wrong
And a new mistake is wrought

Can you feel my bones?
They think they’re all alone
And they think they hear the stars
Screaming, “Girl, you’re going far!”
But I don’t hear anything
Beyond my own muffled screams
From the ripping seams
Of my heart strings