This is not an exaggeration - 07/14/14

I did not make a mistake
   I am the mistake.
I am not in error,
   I am error.
I am not at fault,
   I am the fault.

What I'm trying to say is
   I really fucked up this time.

inverted circles - 04/25/14

i feel so goddamn hollow
like there's nothing left of me
but tired
like there's nothing left of me
but empty
like there's nothing left of me

no momentum 
no energy
no physics math or poetry

like i could pass
right through me
but i can't crease or tear

i feel so goddamn hollow

Coffee Beans - 002/17/14

Let me justify this
sleepless habit
by saying that
God
itself must have been
caffeinated
to create the world
in six days
and only rest on
the seventh.
So this rampage
through days
without breaks
is cleanliness,
as it is next
to Godliness.

I am drinking poison
designed to prevent
herbivores
from consuming
coffee beans
and I think
I've always been able
to feel it
but the only time
I couldn't ignore it
was when rainbows
covered chalk boards
on that first
24 hour mark.

Ariel - 01/15/14

All the words caught in my throat
broke on the hope
they might be free
to sing and scream
are wondering
what it might be like
to hear themselves
through the air
but they don't dare
to stay beyond
the cage
their guard has made.
And, I swear,
it's to keep you safe
from the things that I would say.
You don't want to hear them,
anyway,
you're better off,
better stay aloft
on the winds of
all the things
I can't say.

Blood&Bone - 01/08/14

I am the cure for the common cold.
I am a pot of coffee at midnight.
I am white blood cells.
I am critical mass of fissile material.
I am 30 hours, 40 hours awake.
I am complete the goal to eat.
I am weakly interacting massive particles.
I am color confinement.
I am so close to straight As.
I am decaying.

Tinnitus - 01/07/14

When the ringing in my ears
becomes mundane
and commonplace
and I don't jolt my head
around for bells
or a frayed cable
plugged into the television,
turning my head
like some anachronistic
ship's wheel
to see if one orientation
fades away,

then you may lose hope
that I will
learn to breathe clean air
and chase silver sunlight
without having to be
reminded.

Angel - 06-24-11

Ms. Perfection
Has got a confession
She’s no android
Just a humanoid
I’ve got flaws and I’ve got feelings
Can’t you see me hit the ceiling
Every time that you’re repeating
“Where’s the logic?  Where’s the reason?”
Where’s an equation
For devastation?
Where’s an argument
Against humiliating?
What ever made you believe
That logical closure
Would help me regain composure?
I’m no Vulcan
From a heartless world
I’m just you sad, depressed
Hopeless little girl

I’m done with being an angel
I’m going down to Hell
Getting away from this tundra
Breaking out of my cell
It’s time for me to be me
And not the girl you see
It’s time for my dead heart
To be revived and set free

No amount of contemplation
Of this situation
Will ease any pain
There is nothing to gain
From running around your brain
Wish that you would see me
Wish you wouldn’t believe me
When I blatantly lie
About being fine
 You’ve known me for almost 17 years
And you can’t tell when I’m fighting back tears
Tell me, what have I been doing here?
Isn’t there a home for me here?
Or should I leave this cold Hell
For a blazing hot one?
Father, please, do tell
Should I run like a shotgun
Away from here?
Or should I pretend not to hear
The fights and the insults
And my own muffled tears?
It’s been nearly 17 years

Summed Up in a Held Breath - 02/06/11

Do you know what “everything” means?
Do you understand “love”?
Do you know what “my whole world”
Is comprised of?

Little flashes of your smile,
Between sarcastic remarks
On my personal habits,
My sleep schedule,
My on and off anorexia,
My insanity.
That little eye roll.
Circular hand motions.
“Breathe” as a command,
Not a verb,
Not a word,
But my whole world
Summed up in a held breath
A skipped heart beat.
A gentle hug.
A quiet kiss.
Refusing to let me out of your arms.
Refusing to let my lips leave yours.
Jaws firm against each other.
Magnificence
In a scent
Captivating
Intoxicating
Stimulating.
Rocked in a sound wave
A perfect crest and trough
To sooth my pulsating mind.
Confidence flooding from it,
Intelligence raining from it.

Love,
To sum it up in a single breath,
Love and love and life and love and you.

And what more is there?
What more is there but sleeplessness?
What more is there but tears?
What more is there but holding
Clinging
Clawing into any sign of love there is
And hoping it doesn’t shake you free.
What more is there but wrapping
Coiling into life
Winding around it,
Devouring it,
And yourself
And the sun
And the moon
And the stars?
What more is there but hoping?
Hoping for love?
Hoping for life?
Hoping for understanding?
Hoping that today will not be the day you die?
Or that someone you know does?
Hoping that “sorry” will stop coming up
Because there is already so much
To be sorry for
And so much of it is worse
Than what you’re apologizing for?

Hoping for more hope.


A slight breath.
A sigh.
Silence.
Walking next to you,
Trying to match your pace,
Your strong legs.
Hoping the stars will fall and we will see beauty.

The Best - 02/06/11

Starlight.
Brilliant bands of hope
Radiating from what might be already dead stars
And yet still shining
Glowing
Illuminating the nights
On which we throw tear ridden eyes to the heavens
For a sign

“Do I continue?”
“Am I good enough?”
“What’s the point?”



I want to be the best.
The very best.
I don’t care what at.

School is out of the question.
Years of striving for a
4.0
Brought down
Like a house of cards.

I’m not the best friend.
I’m a liar.
Sorry to disappoint,
But I’m not actually
“fine.”

I thought I could be the best
Girlfriend.
Loving, tender, helpful, horny.
What more could a guy want?
But I’m needy.
And clingy.
And not the best.

And then
One tournament
I got a first place.
True, it was in a room of novices.
True, I couldn’t beat anyone with experience.
True, I wasn’t the best of the best.

But I was the best.

That thought flooded my mind
And the tears stopped,
Mid-roll.

But I was the best.

The starlight lit up on the cloudy night
Curled up next to me
Whispered with the delicacy of a lover

But I was the best.

The starlight held me there with it,
One of its own,
Its kin,
Alike to it,
Part of it,
Accepted,
Welcomed,
Loved.

 But starlight disappears behind the clouds,
Behind eyelids,
Behind quick words.

Starlight fades to hurt,
To pain,
To sadness,
To emptiness with her neck craned to the sky,
Waiting for the stars to return

Anger, Not Sorrow - 10/16/10

The neon lights
Of life
Are fadin’
As I’m running
Away form them

Well I was on top
Of Everest
And I saw the world
And it was all the same
Up there on Everest
The air’s so thin
No one could hear me scream
So I jumped all the way down
To the ocean floor
Below the ground
Cuz I never learned
How to break down

Say I’ve got sixty more year
‘Til I’m out the door
But I don’t think
That I’ve got
Any more than 44
Don’t ask me for the answers
Cuz I’ve never really known
Every “A” has been a suicide
A reason to be alone

Sweet 16
I’m not so sweet
If you could see me
You would scream
Cuz I’m only sweet
To the bugs who crawl
And creep
And eat me
I’m just a freak

There are no more bubbles
Rising from the water
It’s all over
No more tomorrow
As it’s always been
At least here
In this mess
Things make sense

I can see
Infinity
And, damn,
It scares me
To be nobody
Is a freeing thing
To be

Say I’ve got sixty more year
‘Til I’m out the door
But I don’t think
That I’ve got
Any more than 44
Don’t ask me for the answers
Cuz I’ve never really known
Every “A” has been a suicide
A reason to be alone

Anger, not sorrow
Anger, not sorrow
Anger, not sorrow
Someone help me
Leave everything
Behind
So I can finally
Sleep at night

The blood
Oh, the blood
My blood
It floods
It flees
From my skin
Cuz it can’t take
The state I’m in
And who could blame it?