It's all burning away - 08/31/13

and although we think of it

as a tragedy,

as death and destruction,

associated with pain,

endings, loss,

natural forces beyond our control

fire

is an indication of

life.

Hannah

The best people
are the ones with whom
you may sit in silence
and work
without questions,
gossip, or forced
conversation.

Midday Bus on Thursday

large, oblong rain drops

fell on the cherry blossoms,

and pulled the whole flower

down

straight and slow,

through cold, late April air

to the leather seat

of a red-bodied motorcycle

outside an organic coffee shop.

Maybe Death will stop for me

Maybe Death will stop for me and the two of us will marry.
I'm sure he has a poet's soul from all the grief he carries.
With the wisdom from his age, he must be fair at math.
Together, we could spend our days with Neruda and calculus.
Death will chase me, court me, follow where I roam,
until I concede at last and follow Death home.
With razor blades and sleeping pills will he kiss me goodnight
and so shall we fall asleep and never again see light.

Doors and Stairways

My life has been all
doors and stairways
today. There have been the
wheezing doors of buses,
leading to the short, steep stairs
into the belly of the machine.
Doors in and out of classrooms,
stairs up and down floors.
Another bus.
In one building and out the next.

And then they turned on me,
doors and stairways,
twisting into a maze,
trying to trap me like
a fly in a web.

One door says "stairs,"
so I twist down them
and find a floor too late
the plaque reads:
"Roof Access
No B1 Access"
So I twist up them.

Second door says "stairs,"
so I peak inside
and check the plaque
before venturing down.
The plaque reads:
"No Roof Access
B1 Access"
so I twist down them.

Room numbers count up,
count down.
Jump to thirty,
jump to eight,
jump to forty.
70, 71, 79.
But a lime green post-it
on the door reads:
"Room 161
Phy 212 only."
79, 71, 70.
Jump to forty,
jump to eight,
jump to thirty.

wait for the elevator?
No, my life is all
doors and stairways
today. I twist up,
I don't ride.
Doors and stairways.

And skybridges
back to whichever land
isn't a maze.

She Bruises Easily But Heals Quickly - 08/19/13

Before you worry
that she's gonna get hurt
remember:
she's been hurt before.
And, every time,
she picks herself up,
dusts herself off,
and climbs the same damn tree.
She believes that,
rather than finding another tree
that she can scale effortlessly,
she ought to get better
with what she's got
because she's been conditioned
to believe
that happiness doesn't come easily,
that's it's something to be fought for,
something to be earned,
something to be practiced,
something to be learned.
So before you rush in
to bandage her knees,
remember:
she may bruise easily,
but she heals quickly
and she's just going
to get back in that tree.

35 - 07/21/13

What's the point
of having a bus pass
if you never run away
from a Sunday afternoon
and ride a line,
end to end,
alone,
headphones in,
notebook out,
camera on,
emotions off?

Camera - 07/09/13

My momma's camera can't seems to see
the images that make my eyes gleam
now I know the real mystery
is that everything is what it seems to be
but I don't know how they ever convinced me
that that's any reason to believe

I turned right when I should have turned left
and ended up biking a mile uphill
only to come back down it
so by the time I found my way around it
the sun had set and the trail was closed
and the streetlights were telling me to go home
which I guess is for the best
because they don't allow bikes anyway
so I suppose I'll come back earlier another day

See, I only get lost following street signs
but if I walk out in the woods,
I'll make it home just fine,
I know that you'd rather stay inside
and not talk to me
which I guess is alright
but if you ever feel
like being dumb at night
I know the back roads
like the stars know the sky

I want to end up lost in the country side,
where there's about a mile between each street sign
and in the middle of the road, the yellow lines
are faint and faded in the star light

Because I want to take your picture,
on the hood of your car,
completely relaxed, staring up at the stars,
stunned into babbling
instead of being so reserved
and I want to take your picture in the city,
and I want to take your picture at the movies,
and I want to take your picture on a bridge over a river,
telling your best friend about the beauty
of some obscure folk punk song
that you've been muttering all day long

See, I only get lost up in my mind,
but if I don't pay attention,
I make it home just fine
I know that you'd rather stay inside
and not talk to me
which is more than alright
but if you ever feel like doing something dumb tonight
I got a brand new bike
and, for you, I'd ride 'til the stars leave the sky

Ghost Fields - 07/05/13

All I want
is to go to punk shows
and take math classes
and write poems
and do physics experiments
and listen to an album,
start to finish,
with my head against your chest

Willamette - 06/28/13

The western skies are green
and the clouds above are
artificial-grape-flavoring purple
and the air tastes like musky basements
but the wind

oh the wind

feels like song lyrics
and watermelon
and childhood bike rides.

You're seeing stars
and he's seeing skylines
and neither of you realize
you're looking at the same thing

which might just be
meant to be.

Second Degree Burns From The Sun - 06/09/13

I've been peeling away a layer of dead skin
That had turned blue from all the aloe I rubbed in
Hopping it would be okay
If I gave it another day
But the thing that I've learned
About burns
Is they take a few days to get worse
The things that I wish I had known
When I got it a week ago

When a month ago
I almost burned a hole
In something much more delicate
Than the skin between my shoulder blades
When a month ago
I almost burned one of
The five best things in my life away

If I hear one more song about the burning in your heart
I swear I'm gonna actually start a fire.
I wish I could start with your desire
But I can't
So I guess I'll aim a little higher

The lesson that I've learned
Is never ever go outside
And, seriously, try not to fall in love
Can you imagine what it'd be like
If I took my own advice?
I'd probably die of Vitamin D deficiency
So I guess fire's alright with me

So, if I'm going out in flames anyway

When they describe me, I hope they never say
"She has skin so fair, she gets second degree burns from the sun.
Her lips are chapped
And her glasses are cracked
And she doesn't know a thing about flirting or romance or love."
No, tell them about physics and the writing and the
...
Yeah, I guess that's the best of what I've got.
But tell them about my friends
and video games and poetry
and the hereditary madness I never caught.
And whatever you do,
Please don't give them the impression
That I'm the kind of girl who falls in love
With someone's musical obsessions.
I mean, I am
I just want you to think that I'm not.

But most of all
I just hope they never say
That I have green eyes

Goddammit,
My eyes are gray

a little bit louder now - 06/02/13

it's a big fat fucking lie
and i long for so much more

but am content
at only this

Soft Serenade - 06/02/13

Despite
ignited engines,
thumping speaks
in chilled chest cavities,
bombshells and butterflies
begging to be released,
roars resonating
in riveting rockets,

I long only to sit,
lips meeting in a gentle, silent smile,
and listen to you call
universes
into being with your words.

exorcism - 05/28/13

there's something about
the way he murmurs wisps of lyrics
and decrescendos of choruses
from songs I've never heard
that siphons anxieties
and mathematical conceptions of time
right out of my veins

14 Reasons I Shouldn't Own A Knife - 05/27/13

1.
While chopping plums for a smoothie,
I found a hard, sharp bit
of thumbnail
and paused for a long moment
wondering where it came from
before thinking to examine
my thumb.

2.
There was a red substance on the glass
and all I could think was
"Did I really just buy tainted glass?"
before noticing the red substance
spilling from my ring finger.

3.
Foam bubbles
on a beach,
the water washing out
and never coming in,
running and chasing
seaweed figures
until the return
that tried to swallow
all of me.
But I got some rainboots.
But Haylie doesn't like yellow.

4.
Heat wave in third grade,
but I was convinced
that I didn't need a sip of water
until the world started swaying
and I wound up
back in first grade
while my little brother's class
celebrated.

5.
I almost walked in to traffic
while reading.

6, 7.
Multiple times.

8.
My first worry
was the blood stains
on my favorite nightshirt.

9.
My second was that
my roommate might see them.

10.
2am is the best time
for a walk
and an adventure for ice cream,
at least in my opinion.

11.
Brakes on bikes
are unnecessary
if you're going downhill,
although I'll admit
that I should have brought
a helmet.

12.
Quiet hotel rooms
and walks in strange cities
at way too late in the evening
that start spirals
of too many bad things.

Like, 8 bad things.

13.
Everything those lead to,
each shudder,
each lie,
each safety pin
and broken plastic fork
and pair of sewing scissors
and fruit knife.

14.
Whatever is coming
tomorrow.